Real Writing Read online

Don’t you know that it’s rude

  Did no one ever teach you right from wrong

  Did no one ever show you

  Did no one ever tell you

  How to act your age and get along

  Status update, mate…

  Have you seen the state

  Do you know what you get like with your friends

  Do you know what you look like

  Do you know what you sound like

  Are you ever gonna buck these trends

  Breaking news… Choose

  To accept, not refuse

  What I’m telling you right now, for your own health

  What I’m showing you right now

  What I’m teaching you right now

  Just behave… Have a word with yourself

  11. Smartarses

  What if I know all there is to know?

  I would always have something to say

  Passing the benefits of my wisdom

  On to those not in the know

  Not their fault they don’t know nothing

  But common knowledge is common sense

  Still, there’s always someone taking chances

  Someone who likes to take liberties

  Someone looking to take advantage

  Someone’s always trying to take the piss

  Take for instance that tattooist

  Working outside in the open air

  Not exactly clean-room conditions

  And he’s wearing no gloves like he doesn’t care

  But I should think before revealing

  My total lack of local background

  Or demonstrating my ignorance

  Of relevant cultural differences

  I’m voicing my unresearched opinions

  Perhaps there are things even I don’t know

  Consider the rules and regulations

  HSE, ISO, BS guidelines

  Some seem to think they are carved in stone

  But maybe they’re just part of a…

  Political Agenda…? God forbid

  We’re a democratic country after all…!

  How would it be if the only reason

  Some proposals are accepted as law

  Had nothing to do with fail-safe features

  Nothing to do with cast-iron guarantees

  Serving as a security blanket

  A safety net to offer peace of mind

  For any guarantees implied

  A disclaimer follows every clause

  And any badges won for Time and Motion studies

  Just for effect, to impress the customer

  Those white-coated, work study stop-watch watchers

  Are only concerned with the flow of a process

  And traceability of a given product

  In order to determine culpability

  Meaning the blame for any infringement

  Of the awarding body’s regulations

  May be placed firmly, planted squarely

  On the shoulders of the weakest link

  Who usually just happens, should occasion arise

  To be the lowliest employee

  At the manufactory

  In other words, it’s an insurance write-off

  Making the bonus system a distraction

  Along with the awarding of certification

  From ISO, BS or HSE

  Which only means that any future problems

  Will be dealt with by the relevant authority

  So, back to the wearing of rubber gloves

  Receiving a local anaesthetic

  Or checking yourself into Intensive Care

  Just in order to become tattooed

  Do I really need to listen to

  Their scary, horror story tactics

  Or is surgical rubber protection

  The very least of my concerns

  Associated with the risk of

  Infection from his unprotected hands

  Mustn’t forget the Tropical climate

  Where snakes are a clear and present danger

  Countless species choose this habitat

  Many of them deadly poisonous

  Many whose bites can be readily treated

  Many whose bites cause excruciating death

  Do more Thai people die from snakebites

  Than die from infection from failure to wear gloves

  Or any other surgical rubber products

  Including condoms (so infections include AIDS)

  I don’t know, but it’s worth remembering

  These deaths aren’t always avoidable

  Part of the reason could be people’s failure

  To recognise the snake that has bitten them

  Partly because, without their own transport

  They can’t get to hospital quickly enough

  Partly it’s availability of serum

  Partly it’s the rarity of the snake

  Another less common but equally lethal

  Bite from snakes that cross their regional boundary

  But it isn’t only snakes that bite

  Of course we all know about mosquitos

  And their tendency to spread Malaria

  But are you aware of Dengue Fever?

  Both of which surely account for more deaths

  Than the failure to wear rubber gloves…?

  Of course there’ll always be an England

  Antiseptic, germ-free and sterilised

  Where legend quickly transforms to fact

  And the worst case scenario is always stressed

  So our trust will be placed in the comfort

  Derived from that feel-good safety net

  That no-one disputes the existence of

  But no-one tells us anything different

  Probably because it’s easier that way

  And if it makes everybody happy…

  Besides, we should never underestimate

  The sinister power of suggestion

  That causes us to crave misinformation

  Like a panting pack of Pavlov’s dogs

  So what, if I don’t know all there is to know

  So what, if I know nothing at all

  12. Pros & Cons Of Witch Hunting

  I wasn’t only joking

  when I said it was getting

  difficult to understand

  (at least sometimes it can be)

  some of the objections raised

  by those who suggest their own

  status as a human being

  is not just a lifestyle choice

  no, not just a passing phase

  rather, the way they were born.

  They say they’re being ‘labelled’

  by some words applied to them

  words we can no longer use

  Wasn’t even joking when

  I said the only reason

  that left-handers don’t object

  to the ‘s’ word, ‘sinister’

  is that no one else is bright

  enough to know what it means.

  If they did, another group

  of protesters would emerge

  and use it as an insult

  till it disappeared from use

  Another group of Anti

  rights campaigners would emerge

  I wasn’t ever joking

  when I said my thoughts applied

  equally to those who were

  born into minority

  conditions, situations

  I’m not just talking about:

  ethnically

  religiously

  sexually

  philosophically

  mentally

  physically

  emotionally

  spiritually

  psychologically

  socially

  politically

  educationally

  morally

  affluently

  or maturely

  disadvantaged; I don’t think!

  My neighbours call me ‘uncle’

&nb
sp; So I’m not ‘anti’ anything

  or even anybody

  whatever you may believe

  But I WAS only joking

  that time when I said to you

  You’re nothing but a cliché

  when it comes right down to it

  And THAT’S all you object to

  if you’re honest with yourself

  Is ‘prejudice’ a fair word

  a fair label to impose

  Some people say what they mean

  but only mean what they say

  13. (((SFX)))

  Mad dogs, mental barking sounds

  But they ain’t nuthin’ but hounds

  And those birds that trill so sweet

  They go on twitter to tweet

  Brown cows banter, on the sly

  Because ‘moo’ means ‘pig’ in Thai

  And ‘gnu’ well that one means ‘snake’

  Hissed off with the noise they make

  Slo-mo-stunt-show-stu-tter-by

  Utter ‘nutter’ butterfly

  Need some chicken noodle soup?

  Drop that cock-a doodle doo-p

  I just heard ‘Edin Dzeko’

  No, it was tak-kae, ‘Gec-ko’

  Takaten play cricket score

  Leg-rub ‘chirrup’ all night bore

  Two eyes in tropical >>f i i s h>0000

  But a mouth that’s saying… nish

  Isan village sound effects

  Mammals, fishes, birds, insects

  14. Non Existent

  I’m not waiting any more

  There’s nothing else to wait for

  If it’s already happened

  You can’t say fairer than that

  And if it hasn’t happened

  It’s not gonna happen now

  Do I look like I’m waiting

  For something or for someone?

  I’m not waiting for the man

  I’m not waiting for the sun

  I’m not waiting for Godot

  Any more than I’m stood here

  Waiting till tomorrow comes

  My waiting days are over

  I’m not waiting anymore

  It’s not that they’re not coming

  I don’t have any more time

  So if it’s gonna happen

  It’s gotta happen today

  Or else it just won’t happen

  I won’t live to see the day

  I’ve waited long enough now

  Nobody’s waiting for me

  And that’s why I’m not waiting

  I’m not anticipating

  What I’ll never get to see

  What will never be for me

  15. Penultimate

  The last thing I want to have

  Is to only have one more thing

  One last unfinished item of business

  On my list of things to do

  ‘Unfinished mind your own business’

  Is how I’d like it to be known

  Cos you ain’t worthy and I ain’t willing

  To let this cat out of the bag

  I ain’t talking no ‘Bucket List’

  Just tidying up my affairs

  And knowing there’s just one thing left to do

  Is the only notice I’ll need

  See I ain’t done much in my life

  But I ain’t done nothing at all

  And with the ultimate penultimate

  I’ll die with a smile on my face

  The last thing I want to say

  Is that I’d like it to be known

  That knowing there’s just one thing left to do

  I’ll die with a smile on my face

  16. Thousands And Thousands

  Back in the dark ages, in

  another millennium

  (Not a thousand years ago)

  another generation

  likely the last of its kind

  all that was ever needed

  to gain gainful employment

  was writing paper, a pen

  the ability to send

  your application letter

  to the right return address

  proving you could read and write

  follow simple instructions

  and record your (intention).

  In this age of the cv

  brought about by advances

  in the evolution of

  microchip technology

  this essential attachment

  to all your jobsearch emails

  is the equivalent of

  an early Christmas present

  for prospective employers.

  Not to be opened until

  or unless you get the job.

  The thing with CV’s is it’s

  all about presentation

  and if it doesn’t look nice

  it’s gonna end up on a

  rejection pile, thousands deep

  and you’ll only get the job

  (in the modern call-centre

  where you’re interviewed by rote)

  if you’ve learnt the pre-set script.

  If you’re not a team player…

  in other (plain English) words

  you’re able to demonstrate

  a shred of initiative…

  Well then, ‘unfortunately…’

  and I’m sure you know the rest.

  A thousand job apps later

  A Situation Vacant…

  matching the blank expression

  on the face that launched, at least

  in a thousand soup kitchens

  qualifications gained from

  a school no-one else admits

  to ever having gone to

  (and that includes the teachers)…

  A Curriculum Vitae

  written by the very hands

  that made (it seems) a thousand

  withdrawals from the food bank

  where they patronise you

  gladly with their very own

  special brand of ‘Charity’

  before permitting you to

  walk the four miles, or so

  (we don’t all have a motor)

  though it’s pissing down with rain

  carrying two plastic bags

  full of tins of ‘essential’

  ‘everyday’ own label beans…

  And when I say ‘home’ I mean

  that room in the house you share

  with five other heat-seeking

  job seeking (Not unemployed)

  …perhaps unemployable

  JSA Benefits ‘Cheats’

  who, like you, have to accept

  no central heating, no bed,

  a ‘kitchen’ with no cooker,

  a ‘bathroom with no shower

  (just how many partitions

  Can you build in just one room?)

  Cold, damp, smelly, mouldy, stained

  infested with the wildlife

  of thousands of its filthy

  former tenants, occupants.

  This luxury apartment

  paid for by the government

  the maximum possible

  weekly rent is awarded

  (and the landlord owns the street)

  …hardly surprising, is it?…

  And all because I’m… jobless,

  in receipt of Benefits

  the minimum weekly rate

  deemed adequate to survive

  Making my fat-cat landlord

  fatter, exponentially.

  While his destitute tenants

  live on handed-in handouts…

  Would the real ‘parasite’

  ‘scrounging cheat’ stand up now, please

  and leave me to continue

  with my life of poverty

  And would you politicians

  Listen for just one moment?

  Why isn’t all the money

  Spent by you condescending

  So-called welfare officials

  Used instead for in
vestment

  In jobs for the unemployed?

  Surely it would be cheaper…

  Too much like multi-tasking?

  to policy makers who

  can only concentrate on

  one fucked-up scheme at a time

  and make me apply for jobs

  thousands (and thousands) of times

  17. กินข้าวหรือยัง…/Did You Eat Yet?

  สวัสดีครับ

  สบายดีบ่

  เจ้าสิไปไส

  ข่อยมักเจ้าหลายๆ

  กินข้าวหรือยัง

  สบายดีค่ะ

  สุขสันต์สนุก

  สบายสบาย

  หยังกินขอบใจ

  กินกับอะไร

  สงกรานต์มาแล้ว

  อารมณ์ดีหลาย

  ดีใจสุขสันต์

  ที่วันปีใหม่

  กินข้าวหรือยัง

  รินเหมือนจะตก

  มีความสุขแล้ว

  รินเหมือนจะตก

  ใจเย็นรอข้าว

  กินกับอะไร

  ถึงยามเกี่ยวข้าว

  ถึงยามเกี่ยวข้าว

  ไปนาเกี่ยวข้าว

  กลับบ้านไปนอน

  กินข้าวหรือยัง

  อยากกินอะไร

  อยากกินอะไร

  ข้าวเหนียวข้าวจาว

  อาหารอีสาน

  กินกับอะไร

  Sawasdee khrap

  Sabai dee bor?

  Jao si pai sai?

  Koi mak jao lai

  Kin Khao Reu Yang?

  Sabai dee ka

  Suksan sanuk

  Sabai sabai

  Yang kin kob jai

  Kin kab arai?

  Songkhran ma leaw

  Arom dee lai

  Hua jai suksan

  Tee wan pi mai

  Kin Khao Reu Yang?

  Rin meun ja tok

  Mi khwarm suk leaw

  Rin meun ja tok

  jai yen ro khao

  Kin kab arai?

  Teung yam khiew khao

  Teung yam khiew khao

  Bai nar khiew khao

  Klab ban bai norn

  Kin Khao Reu Yang?

  Yark kin arai?

  Yark kin arai?

  Khao nieow khao jao

  Aharn Isan

  Kin kab arai?

  Hello hello

  And how are you?

  You going where?

  I luv you loads

  Did you eat yet?

  I’m OK hanks

  Happy enjoy

  I’m feeling good

  Not eaten thanks

  You eating what?

  Thai New Year soon

  My mood is good

  Good heart Happy

  New Year to you

  Did you eat yet?

  Rain gonna fall

  Make me feel good

  Rain gonna fall