In Decline Read online

  The boredom is killing you

  Fierce headache developing

  On top of everything else

  Every tendril of your hair

  Is screaming in agony

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  Pain is causing you to flinch

  In need of a distraction

  Must be something else to do

  To speed-up a lazy day

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  Your condition’s getting worse

  Re-arrange the furniture

  Put this here, that over there

  No, that’s not right; try again

  Till it’s back where it started

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  Check steel ornaments for rust

  So you can tell the cleaner

  First thing tomorrow morning

  If she bothers to turn up

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  Re-read yesterday’s papers

  Cover to cover again

  Telegraph, Guardian, Times

  Mirror, Sun and Daily Mail

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  Refill the pepper grinder

  Is it half-full, half-empty?

  Do you need any saffron?

  Or should you use Turmeric?

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  Open the window; look out

  Hoping for a chance to see

  …No one in particular

  …Feed the crows to pass the time

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  A breath of fresh air at least

  To calm the squall in your head

  Before the doctor arrives

  With powders, pills and potions

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  Check telephone messages

  For the umpteenth time today

  Blank LCD; audio

  Mobile and land-line alike

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  Turn on your Home Computer

  No emails to reply to

  Double-check on your notebook

  Refresh page time after time

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  Four hours after awaking

  Seems like an eternity

  Was that someone at the door?

  Or just a passing shadow?

  Nothing to do but kill time

  The boredom is killing you

  Is the postman late today?

  You’re expecting a letter

  From an important person

  An expert in these matters

  Confirming your suspicion

  That your disorder’s chronic

  Your

  Condition is fatal and

 

  You must prepare yourself

  For a painless but

 

  Slow death due to

  Terminal

 

  Boredom

  Now!

  Nothing else for it…!

  Finely chop six red chillies of the hottest variety you can find.

  Rub the chilli fragments into your hands, and through your fingers, making sure that pieces of chilli skin, seed and seed membrane stick to your flesh.

  Scoop the surplus fragments into a bowl, for later use.

  Now, with both hands, rub left and right eye, vigorously, for ninety seconds, or until your eyes feel as though they are bleeding…

  And remember, if they feel as though they are bleeding, then in all likelihood, they probably actually are!

  As the old adage goes… ‘No pain, no gain’.

  Or, in this case… no pain, no game…!

  If at any point, the constant flow of tears from your eyes shows any signs of slowing down, give your eyes another rub, with both hands, applying more chilli flakes to your fingers as appropriate.

  DISCLAIMER… Stanski accepts no responsibility for the horrendous injuries that will most definitely be inflicted on anyone who participates in any of the above procedures.

  6.Little People

  How could she…? Your own Mother; the woman… no, not ‘woman’, not merely ‘woman’… only the Celestial Being who carried you in her womb for nine months, without a second thought for the pain and discomfort it was causing her; who gave you the precious gift of life, and allowed you to share in all its wonders; only the very person in whom you can trust and confide, without exception or prejudice… the one person on the entire planet who can do no wrong!

  Do you remember bath night?

  How scary was it for you?

  Embarrassed at having to expose

  Yourself to your giggling siblings?

  Worried mum might rub shampoo

  Into your delicate eyes?

  Doesn’t bear thinking about

  Does it?

  Long before central heating

  For most people anyway

  When the immersion heater was

  Too costly to use every week

  You know…back in the sixties

  Only telly was black and white

  Everything else…dismal grey

  And cold

  Pans of water on the stove

  Condensation scaling walls

  Steaming up the kitchen windows

  And clinging tight to the ceiling

  “Use towels to carry hot pans

  Not the clean ones – they’re for kids

  Who must also be spotless”

  Of course

  Kids in two’s; mum gets busy

  Using scrubbing brush and soap

  Setting her controls to ‘severe’

  First two boys, bright pink in seconds

  Rubbing shampoo from their eyes

  Clutching towels for modesty

  And shivering themselves dry…

  Bath night!

  Why does it have to be her… of all people… who has to let you down? And in such a big, significant and, not to mention, potentially embarrassing way?

  Let’s paint the picture, shall we?

  Imagine it…

  There’s you, and all your mates… Not just some of them… absolutely all of them. And they’re all at your house… in your living room… watching your telly… and it doesn’t get much better than this, does it? Because outside, it’s a glorious English summer’s day… There’s not a cloud in the sky, and Blue Peter is just about to start… perfect!

  What could be better, more idyllic, than that? Luxury doesn’t even begin… doesn’t even have a clue how… to describe it…

  Then your mum enters the room… but she isn’t carrying a tray of orange squash and Jaffa Cakes this time, is she? No she isn’t…! She’s wearing that look on her face… you know the one… that look… the one that says ‘party pooper’. And she’s heading straight for the front room window, and you can already see… or imagine, at least… the net curtains twitching, and then being lifted clear of the window pane… so you can now all really see for yourselves exactly what it is your mum’s so worried about.

  Ever wondered where Heaven is?

  Look around you, you will find

  The land of milk and honey is

  A suburb of purgatory

  Where the ignorant know comfort

  Through preying on our misfortune

  While our own children go hungry

  Though seemingly oblivious

  To the dull ache in their stomachs

 

  Ambition can be dangerous

  When living in the Dark Ages

  Where we play out our walk-on part

  In the lives of wannabe stars


  Therefore we do not resent them

  We offer only thanks and praise

  Cough timidly for attention

  As we tug at our forelocks

  … We’re a people who know our place.

  Somewhere in the distance… beyond the planet Neptune, as far as you and your mates can tell, but in the sky for sure… lurks a cloud… a grey cloud… Not a particularly dark, grey cloud, by all accounts… at least, all the accounts of present company; mothers excepted… but a grey cloud all the same… And grey clouds, especially during the summer holidays… according to your all-knowing mum, at least… can only mean one thing… rain!

  Well… two things actually… thunder and lightning! But hold on a second… that’s three things, isn’t it? Rain, and thunder, and lightning… Even you lads know that much. But your mum’s in no mood for pedantic arguments is she? She doesn’t have the time, for one thing… That dark… well darkish… cloud could develop into a cyclone, a hurricane, or tropical storm, in an instant, without any warning! Before even the meteorological experts at the BBC even have time to work it out and issue a Severe Weather Warning, or a Breaking News event, to be scrolled across the TV screen, highlighted in red, and partially obscuring the events being transmitted on today’s episode of Blue Peter.

  Before any of these events can occur, the dreaded words are issued… direct from the lips of none other than your own mother… the same words that have broken the heart of so many a growing child, introducing them to the concept of disappointment, long before they’re mentally, psychologically, physically or emotionally prepared for such extreme revelations about the reality of life… And those words are…

  “Switch off the television… and unplug it at the socket… Detach the satellite cable link while you’re at it… just in case…”

  And doesn’t that kind of explain why you grew up so scared of unexpected loud noises, and flashes of light…? Doesn’t that just emphasise to you how, behind every silver lining, lurks a cloud…?

  But please… don’t ever underestimate a mother’s wisdom… Her’s is the voice of experience… Believe it.

  Dark clouds congest the sky

  A tear forms in her eye

  Heaven’s lethargic response

  To our Mother Earth’s thirst – she was once

  Fertile, draped in green

  Extravagant…? Obscene…?

  Stripped naked and violated

  Gang-raped by man’s unabated

  Lust for Mother’s hoard

  She screams; her cry ignored

  Inevitable consequence

  Irreversible course of events

  Ice embraces fire

  Sworn enemies conspire

  As four seasons merge into one

  Mother wilts in the heat of the sun

  Dehydrated veins

  Trace scars across the plains

  Her bosom deprived of the good

  And her legacy…? Rivers of blood

  Still the violence flows

  No respite, no repose

  Abused to satiate the greed

  Of arrogant minds that did not heed

  Mother’s plaintive call

  The writing on the wall

  Fair warning; a chance to repent

  To console Mother Earth’s sad lament

  Dark clouds gather yet

  To pose a welcome threat

  The weather’s ironic display

  Taunts her briefly, and then turns away

  Apathy prevails

  Obstinate; hard as nails

  “Don’t fix what ain’t broke, it’s the norm

  Just the calm that precedes every storm”

  Emphasise that word –

  “Storm” – it may sound absurd

  But for our sins, we shall atone

  So it is written…so shall it be done

  Absolute truth may be contained within

  Parapsychological Lucid Dreams

  Or Out of Body Experiences

  Journeys to the centre of one’s Self

  Switch from Physical State to Astral Plane

  And enter Equilibrioception

  A world of Light between Heaven and Earth

  Space and Time in a single dimension

  Where Telepathic Communication

  And Clairvoyant Psychic Abilities

  Are realised through Astral Projection

  Using Extrasensory Perception

  Nihilists, sceptics and doubters alike

  Are unable to grasp such a concept

  That intuitive hunch; that gut instinct

  Allows it all to make perfect Sixth Sense

  Astral Projection

  Mind leaves Physical Body

  Joins Astral Body

  Astral Projection

  Equilibrioception

  Makes Sixth sense to me

  PARAPSYCHOLOGICAL

  Makes Sixth sense to me

  Equilibrioception

  Astral Projection

  Astral Projection transports you to a world between Heaven and Earth.

  A Plane where Space and Time are contained within a single dimension.

  Equilibrioception; parapsychology of Lucid Dreams.

  You feel a Dangerous Game coming on, don’t you…?

  For best results, play this game while staring into the bathroom mirror

  With a rotary electric toothbrush in your right hand, if you’re right handed; left hand if you’re left-handed… place the rotary tip on to the bridge of your nose, bristle side touching.

  Switch the power to ‘ON’, and draw the toothbrush underneath the right eye, across the cheekbone, and back over the top, across the brow; all the while, remembering to keep the left eye tightly closed.

  Repeat the procedure for the left eye, this time holding the rotary toothbrush in your left hand.

  What you will find, by staring intently into the bathroom mirror, is that your eyes will begin to go red as they become bloodshot.

  The object of the game is to make the whites of your eyes go as bloodshot as possible.

  Now, using the bathroom mirror again, compare left and right eyes, to see which is the most bloodshot.

  It should be noted that the more times you pass the toothbrush around your eyes, the redder they will become, and the harder you push down on the rotary toothbrush, the quicker your eyes will become bloodshot.

  The benefits of performing this ritual might be enormous… according to some… because you are actually dispersing the bags that you will most likely have beneath your eyes.

  So it’s not just a Dangerous Game… it’s arguably practical DIY facial surgery too!

  Why go for that expensive private cosmetic treatment, when you can be this pro-active?

  But, as we all know, there are two sides to every story, and this self-help treatment also has its pros and cons.

  So it’s a big YES… you will look ten years younger!

  And it’s another big YES… in a very negative kind of way…

  It will also take ten years off your life…

  If you are fortunate enough to be the proud owner of, not one, but two rotary electric toothbrushes, never attempt to use both on your eyes at the same time…

  Instead, use the spare one for brushing your teeth, and the other one for your eyes…

  If you prefer, you could always use them alternately, with either hand, for both procedures.

  Also, for those of you who are unfortunate enough to be bald, you can massage your head with the spare brush, while playing the Dangerous Game with the other.

  The purpose of this practice is to stimulate the growth of new hair, meaning you can finally chuck out that dodgy old syrup…

  DISCLAIMER… Stanski accepts no responsibility for the horrendous injuries that will most definitely be inflicted on anyone who participates in any of the above procedures.

  7. Don’t Try This At Home

  Warning…

  Don’t try this at home…

&n
bsp; That’s what you were always told; the caution you were given from the very beginning, with regard to anything that carried a certain risk… held a certain element of excitement, or danger. But isn’t that what also rendered these forbidden fruits so tempting in the first place? Without a serpent in sight, you made your own decision about the validity of those legendary claims of danger in the extreme; decided you could leave them… couldn’t Adam and Eve them… and from that moment forward, everything in the garden took a distinctive shape, and followed your twisted path directly to the first bite.

  Heaven

  And Earth unite

  To seek revenge

  For man’s complacency

  In turns

  My she-devil

  Sister and I

  Wreak havoc all around

  In truth

  One and the same;

  Double helix

  Combining X and Y

  My name?

  Call me Arthur

  Or Katrina

  Choose any; A to Z

  But know

  I am Legion

  And my power

  Corrupts land, sea, and sky

  Be warned

  Don’t throw caution

  Into the wind

  Laws of Physics dictate

  Actions

  And reactions

  Of equal scale

  My retaliation

  Renders

  Consequences

  Akin to the

  Atrocities of war

  In short;

  Everything is

  Expendable

  I’m nature’s nemesis

  I am

  Harrowing

  Uncompromising

  Relentless

  Ruthless

  Indiscriminate

  Cruel

  Arrogant

  Non-negotiable

  Extreme

  Despite your own addiction to acts of extreme danger, you feel it necessary to issue a disclaimer… words to the effect that you proceed with extreme caution… What you are about to learn, carries a simple warning… Don’t try this at home… ever…!

  And this is what you shouldn’t try… ever!

  If you have a smoke alarm connected to the mains electricity supply, you must lie on the floor, in the dark, and stare at the green light, without blinking.

  Press really really hard, on the underside of both eyeballs, with the index fingers of both hands placed at the centre of the lower eyelids.

  This should cause excruciating pain, if done correctly.

  After about forty five seconds, close your right eye.

  The green sphere, on your wired-in smoke alarm, now becomes a half moon.

  As you wiggle your eyeball, the half-moon will move around the room.

  Now, close your left eye, and repeat the procedure, with your open right eye.

  Now open both eyes, and TWO half-moons will appear.

  As they zoom around the room, you can cause them to collide.